We tend not to realize it, but most of us spend our lives so strongly identified with limited aspects of ourselves that we completely lose sight of who we really are. We get wound up and tense, rushing about, feeling the pressure to make things happen and spinning out in reactivity.
We get lost in all the waves of experience: the thoughts, the emotions, the sensations, the stories.
When the big waves subside and things get quiet, it's not difficult to connect with our true being, if we are willing. That inner stability, that quiet center. Just a glimpse here or there can be incredibly relieving. But then it's only a matter of time, sometimes just moments, before we're lost again in the tangle of experiences.
What I've found is that the more clarity I have, the more I'm able to trust my own calm center, and to stay there when things get wild.
A lot of clarity has come to me through the mental model we use in parts work, where we have the Self, and the parts.
This model says that our true self is that calm center, and it's like a white light that shines through a kaleidoscope.
The shapes and colours of the kaleidoscope are the parts. As in, parts of our personality, or parts of our mind. The various aspects that make up who one is as a person. Like a collection of sub-personalities, each with their own emotions and desires. Think of the inner critic, or the inner child – except in this model we might have many critical or child parts.
As colourful and complex as our inner world is, the work is to discern our sense of Self among the complexity. We remember that we aren't our thoughts or emotions, and so we aren't any of these parts.
We're gradually able to stop acting as these parts of us, and to start acting for them. We start to meet their needs from the inside, which allows them to stop seeking desperately for fulfilment in the 'outer world', through manipulation and control.
Doing this over time builds inner trust and safety, which allows us to release our attachments and our need to control. Which means we're able to let go of our painful patterns and beliefs.
If we can cultivate a strong sense of Self, we're more equipped to take care of our parts, and increasingly able to navigate life's wildness with grace.